Does love last a lifetime? The key to a happy marriage

The dream of a happy marriage that lasts a lifetime is something most couples share, but how do you actually keep the love alive when everyday life takes over?

How do you keep the love alive in everyday life?

When we get married, we’re convinced it’ll last forever. We won’t be one of those couples who grow tired of each other, bicker, lose the spark or cheat. Our marriage will be a bed of roses, and we’ll feel like Sleeping Beauty every morning when we wake up to the prince’s kiss.

We promise each other eternal love, for better or for worse. Yet it is often in times of adversity that our relationship is put to the test, and it is the passion that fades. So how do you actually become one of those couples rocking side by side in their rocking chairs at the care home?

A glance at the divorce statistics can give prospective brides grey hairs and an upset stomach in an instant. In today’s restless society, people seem to prefer getting divorced rather than sorting out their problems.

We’re constantly updating ourselves, keeping up to date with Prada’s latest collection, swapping out our gadgets as soon as we can afford flashier ones, and reading about celebrities who treat love like a disposable commodity and change partners more often than their underwear. Everything can be replaced with a younger and fresher model, they seem to reason.

7 key factors for a happy marriage

Open communication and trust

How do you deal with the crises that crop up? If there are already problems in the relationship, you won’t save it by popping the question, just as you shouldn’t always stay together for the sake of the children. Once the honeymoon period is over and the butterflies have fluttered away, it’s easy to question whether you’re actually in love. Is this what life is going to be like from now on? Ellinor, 35, talks about when she stopped being newly in love:

“My husband and I had been together for seven years and married for three when I suddenly started to doubt whether he was the one I wanted to spend my life with. My social life had dried up and I was rarely invited out by my friends; we’d always been a close-knit group who stuck together through thick and thin. On top of that, I was unhappy in my job; it felt monotonous and dreary going in.

I suppose I started blaming my husband for everything that was dull in my own life and thought I’d be better off without him, as I’d then have the excitement I’d started to miss. Our sex life was poor, and I wondered if it would stay that way forever. I broke up with him and moved in with a friend. I soon realised that my friends weren’t at all available to do things with, and I felt lonely.

My job still felt boring, but I had no way of resigning. In the evenings, I missed having him to talk to, but I had a certain sense of pride and wanted to prove that I could manage on my own first. When he mentioned the word ‘divorce’, I panicked completely and realised that I might lose him. I’d given up too much of myself, I realised in hindsight, and the fact that our relationship had lost its spark was largely down to my negative attitude to life and my constant whingeing.

He told me that he’d often felt rejected when he wanted to have sex, and was waiting for me to take more initiative. Now we’ve sorted things out, and he’s encouraged me to change jobs and make new friends because he’d got fed up with my moaning. Now I know he’s the one I wanted to spend my life with, but it took a change in my life situation for me to realise that.”

Ellinor’s story is far from unique. The tedium of everyday life creeps in, and that hot bloke you were making out with on the dance floor doesn’t look nearly as exciting when he’s reading *Dagens Nyheter* and drinking a cup of coffee at the breakfast table.

Research from well-known organisations such as The Gottman Institute shows that the way we argue is crucial to whether a relationship lasts.

The feeling of being in love changes

From being an unpredictable stranger, the feeling becomes a familiar sense of security. It is precisely this transformation that makes many people feel let down, and wonder if this is really how it’s meant to be. Those passionate encounters on the hall floor now always take place in bed – and not nearly as often.

Experts tell us how to keep the spark alive in the bedroom, and in the self-help books that keep popping up, new advice appears day after day on how to save the relationship. Something we should remember is to listen to ourselves and our gut feeling instead. Some things need time to heal, and by the time you’re ready to take action, you’ll have the strength you need.

Don’t analyse the relationship; instead, live in the present and don’t invent conflicts that aren’t there. We women are, unfortunately, far too good at picking apart our feelings and dissecting every single detail. The be-all and end-all of a relationship is honest and open dialogue, but that doesn’t mean you have to constantly point out the other person’s faults and shortcomings.

Choose your conflicts carefully

It’s perhaps not the end of the world if there are clothes strewn across the hall floor. If you find yourself getting annoyed by little things, try to get to the root of the problem instead; those clothes might represent something completely different to you – perhaps you perceive them as a lack of respect rather than realising that he was simply too lazy to pick them up. Anita, 39, has been with her husband for twenty years and married for thirteen:

“I tend to nit-pick most when I’m annoyed, but it gets us nowhere; instead, we should talk things through. When you’ve been together for so long, you know each other so well that you’ve already been through most of these discussions before. When I haven’t had anything to eat, I get grumpy and it takes it out on the whole family; then the family tells me off for being grumpy, and that makes me think.”

Picking on every little mistake someone makes just leads to even more arguments and can ruin the relationship in the long run. You can’t try to change another person; you always have to start with yourself. What you see is what you get, and many people go into a relationship thinking they can change their partner. When we’re newly in love, we turn a blind eye to the other person’s faults and flaws; we’re so smitten that all their little quirks seem perfect.

Once that phase has passed, we may instead get annoyed by those very details and be bothered by things like how loudly the other person chews. It’s OK to feel irritated sometimes, but ask yourself whether it’s just you having a bad day when you’re ready to start an argument, and whether it’s worth the energy it actually takes to have a row. But having a row doesn’t always have to be a bad thing; it can actually be constructive.

There will always be crises to get through in a relationship, and most are temporary. Jealousy and a need for control are often a way of trying to hold on to the person you love, but they often have the opposite effect and are frequently the reason why couples split up. If you have these issues, try to work on your self-esteem and work out why you feel the way you do.

Even if you’re married, make sure you keep your own social circles and don’t do absolutely everything together. No one should have to give up their interests for the sake of the other person. You need to have your own worlds, even though it’s the two of you against the world. We’ve now listed some of the more common reasons for divorce. If you can steer clear of them, there’s a good chance you’ll actually stick together through thick and thin. Have we told you things you already know? Well, try to remember them when everyday life rears its head.

Respect

You promise to be there in good times and bad, which means you’ve decided to stick by that person even when there are problems and arguments, even when he doesn’t do as you say or when she wastes money. All conflicts can be resolved – and, in fact, avoided – if you choose to overlook the little things and not be stubborn or selfish, but instead live in true love and respect.

If you’re arguing about who does the washing-up most, sort it out once and for all or let the conflict go. The constant bickering over issues that will never be resolved anyway is what can wear a marriage down the most.

Joy in everyday life

Find little things to be happy about every day. Life happens here and now, not tomorrow, at the weekend or on holiday. Those who can turn a blind eye to minor setbacks and see the little rays of light live happier lives day to day. Make sure you enjoy the fact that you’ve found love, that you’re healthy, that you have good friends or a fun job. There’s always plenty to be happy about – you just need to get used to seeing that and nothing else. Spread joy to one another through surprises, kind words or gestures. Give plenty of hugs. Smile.

Have your own lives

Keep developing yourself as an individual. Of course, it’s lovely to be a team, but the key to a successful relationship is to continue being an interesting person in your own right. If you become too dependent, things quickly get complicated. Make sure your partner stays with you because you’re attractive, not because you’re forcing them to. That they want you because you give them energy, not because you need them.

Business directory

Do you need help finding suppliers for your wedding? Take a look at our business directory.